• Route of Ryōkan
  • Route of Emily Dickinson
  • Route of Guatama Buddha
  • Route of possibly more
    than 1 of the above
  • sector 8G–932
  • Air Pocket (insanely extroverted hamsters have been known to “party” in these spacious hollows, which antisocial hamsters fear and, as a rule, never breach)
  • Metastasized Toxic Mass or MTM (human output including pesticides, growth hormones, shampoo, dipping sauces, flavorings, perfluorooctanoic acid, etc.)
  • Size of a comfortable, long-term home for 1 lunar hamster

Lunar hamsters have been known to scamper, or “scurry,” more than 200m across the lunar surface without sus-taining long-term damage from exposure to various radiation. Emily Dickinson seems to have scampered relatively far into this sector before reburrowing at a steep angle, probably hoping to easily reach ideal depth.Instead, in the 1st of many frustrations, she almost immediately encountered a monstrous air pocket.

“Bee-line” tunnel-ling indicates prioritized movement away from externalized fear – an escape, for example, from a group or community of garrulous, well-adjusted, opinionated hamsters.

Preemptive forking shows the extreme nature of Ryōkan’s fear of social interaction – the fear is so great that he feels the need to expend unwise amounts of energy to create “escape routes” he knows, based on experience and on his extensive knowledge of tunneling techniques, will never help him, to any degree.

A final, heart-breakingly misdirected effort to tunnel back to a more hospitable environment, to go lifeward, “even if I’ll have to interact with 8 hamsters for 150 continuous days” is what the electromagnetic analysis showed to be Gautama Buddha’s last thought, which he most likely was not conscious of thinking.

Scientists, or whomever, may one day revive Gautama Buddha – whose corpse is frozen at a temperature well below the cryogenic minimum – though probably by the time that technology exists the moon will have long been destroyed by humans via nuclear warfare.

Sustained vicinity to MTM, as seen here, causes long-term, irreversible damage to the major organs and increases the risk of cancer enormously.

Tunnel collapse into MTM causing neurotoxic fire. Fumes from this single burn will eventually render a 44km area of the lunar surface uninhabitably radioactive. Ryōkan, whose remains have not been located, is believed by most to have commit-ted suicide here.

After back-tracking a 2nd time, then completely forgetting the shape and any characteristics of her original route – therefore believing it to be another hamster’s route, a common mistake among lunar hamsters – Emily Dickinson burrowed a new route, arriving at a dead-end exhausted and, without the internet, having nothing to do. Studies show she died, curled in a fetal position, of either starvation or dehydration.

Where an extremely awkward interaction (probably brief and non-verbal, with excessive grinning) may have occurred between 2 or all of the following: Emily Dickinson, Gautama Buddha, Ryōkan.

Wi-fi connection, perhaps 2nd priority for anti-social hamsters – after avoiding all social situations – was consistently acceptable in this alcove, but it wasn’t until Emily Dickinson arrived that, one may speculate, she realized she’d misplaced her refurbished iPhone 3. Despite backtracking 12 days she couldn’t find it, and never used the internet again.

Unreliable wi-fi.

Gautama Buddha’s point-of-entry into – and early routes of exploration within – this sector are unknown because a huge MTM has layered over that information.

Repeated, dead-ended, seemingly never-ending failures to find a decent location to burrow into a home (exampled here, but rampant throughout this map) is the leading cause of mental illness, specifically paranoid schizophrenia, among lunar hamsters.

An understand-ably frustrated Gautama Buddha tunnels – with a kind of suicidal fearlessness, one imagines – into uninhabitably cold, painfully pressurized depths, probably rupturing his eardrums and permanently damaging his major organs.

At almost 700m below ground Gautama Buddha probably couldn’t see anything, sense direction, feel anything with its frozen paws, or form rudimentary – or any – thoughts.

Refurbished iPhone 3.

The Lunar Hamsters of 8G932

Tao Lin

On April 18, 2027 a massive team of out-of-work scientists – including archaeologists, zoologists, astrophysicists, botanists, ecologists, and chemists – was rushed to the moon to investigate what the media, quoting an unnamed source, was calling “an intriguing, previously undocumented ‘underground network’ of vaguely interconnected tunnels in sector 8G-932, spanning between 1500m and 25km in total length, arranged in what seems to be a complicatedly unrandom pattern of a kind of quasi-organization.” Funding was provided by Raytheon Company, the world’s largest producer of guided missiles.

The team of overeager specialists, given no instruction except to “collect data”, worked quickly. Before a base camp had been established 78% of them had already confidently, they felt, identified the source – and begun to sense the meaning and pathos – of the unmapped system of passageways and chambers below them. Preliminary data showed distinct similarities, regarding the subterranean situation, with data collected by a prior team, in 2023, at sector 45k-901, where they’d discovered, as stated in their 895-page report, “a reverse-symbiotic, atypical mal-ecology of antisocial, hermetic ‘lunar hamsters’.”

As news of this unbankable, silly non-discovery reached Raytheon’s middle managers – via analysis of electromagnetic and neural fluctuations, detected by nanochips Raytheon had secretly implanted in most of the scientists – funding was immediately reduced to zero, and all 483 scientists perished soonafter. (Their spacesuits automatically shut down and remained off 3.2 minutes before violently absorbing the dead scientists with a slurping noise directly, by way of a single action converting mind and body into numeric value, into Raytheon’s quarterly earnings report. All 483 scientists, documents duly showed, had apparently signed “no fault” release forms stating they were okay – and actually preferred – this method of corpse disposal.) But not before tetrabytes of fragmented data had already been downloaded to Earth, where it was carefully organized by hundreds of passionate, lonely, self-described “hamster lovers” (based mostly in Japan and South Korea) into a single database from which, 5 or 6 hours later, emerged a fascinating and horrible map, telling a moving and, some maintain, blackly comic story of 3 hamsters who each wanted simply to be alone, with decent wi-fi, but couldn’t, because – among other reasons – they lacked the perspective of a simple, color-coded, 2D map.

…a brief introduction to the ‘lunar hamsters’ (named here, for practical reasons, after famous hermits throughout history) believed to have created the mangled-seeming, desperate tunnels at 8G-932. These portraits – and short, easy-to-read bios – are approximate renderings based on (1) DNA analysis (2) gamma scans of their corpses (3) transposed data from the 2023 discovery at 45k-901, which had also involved 3 unsuccessfully reclusive hamsters.

Gautama Buddha

Once a sociable (if sometimes misanthropic) hamster with a high-paying job at E-Trade, the financial services company, Gautama Buddha became a full-time hermit when his 8th marriage ended – and, like all the others, quickly became insignificant-seeming, as if it hadn’t ever even happened – leaving him confused and severely depressed, with a job he hated, in a life void of love or meaning, drifting toward death.

Emily Dickinson

More of an eccentric, at least in the beginning, than a hermit – her isolation being largely a side effect of her weirdnesses, including a raw vegan diet and a total inability to fake any amount of interest – Emily Dickinson’s story, as a result, is perhaps even more tragic than if, like a conventional hermit, she wanted to be alone because the company of others was unbearable to her psyche.


A life-long sufferer of crippling social anxiety – among other behavioral and also financial problems – Ryōkan spent most of his unsatisfying life failing to find a private location where he could “fix himself”, after which, he meekly fantasized, he could maybe have 1 friend and maybe even a girlfriend and (the following, he felt, was so unlikely that it embarrassed him deeply to want it so badly) his own child.